Joke of the Day

Birth
Vocational Humor

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence" he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back.
This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.
"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.
After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up. I should have never taken that job at 7-Up. I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

Joke of the Day

Rob The Craddle
The Old Motor

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

Joke of the Day

For Youth - Go Under The Knife

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks." "Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

Joke of the Day

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?"
The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!" The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"
The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts." The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

Joke of the Day

Virgins
Watch Out

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family. With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.
But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

Joke of the Day

The Grill

A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

Joke of the Day

Pack A Bottle Opener
Critters

Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic. Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Wayne "I thought you packed it" Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it! ... I'm not fucking going!"

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

Joke of the Day

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

WERBEBLOCK



© dracena ... aus dem Ida-Thread << ...die IOFF-Altmember-GALA >>


dracena hat uns nicht vergessen:

__________________
thread.php?postid=123456#post123456

Parenthood
Holy Humor

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
talks, the dumber he gets."

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1-Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two balls.
2-Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the course.
3-Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4-For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shart stiffness before play begins.
5-Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6-The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7-It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8-Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9-Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.
10-Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.
11-Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12-Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13--Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14--It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play a hole several times in one match.
15--The course owner is the sole judge of who is the best player. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of

How To Impress A Woman
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy her things,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.

How To Impress A Man
Show up naked.
Bring beer

__________________

Bigbrother? - never heard of